updated

Sometimes I feel as if my life is one big mystery, a riddle, if you will, where everyday I wake up and receive one more clue and anyday now, I feel as if, I might actually figure the whole damn thing out. And then a clue arrives, a phone call, a letter, a tap on the back of the shoulder and suddenly nothing makes any sense and all the accounts and all the balances shift into a hazy redemption of my past.

Redemption. What a word that is. What a lofty idea of great heights and nostalgia and forgiveness, expecially when one gives it to ones self.

After New York, I went back to work and then I went to Austin to play with all the beautiful babies, and for a minute I glimpsed the road that I had traveled and was pleased to see all my detours and early exits and crashes and wrecks, were all for something, and that even if I look back on that life as crazy (and it was) it still seems beautiful if only for the connections and love I created along the way.

For every person I know and have met and loved and sometimes hated, I am me because of them.

My soul sista D, came through the Lubbock realm last week, and as we cavorted and laughed and talked and hugged, I realized that even now, so much of who we are is ingrained in one another. And as she takes off for new life and love, I love her even more for all the things she will do for herself. I respect her for that and become once again, ever so inspired by her. She makes me want to live. And I don't just mean wake up and trudge through the days, but to explore an d discover and live and love. Yes, I know it's cheezy but this is my life and I like the smell of cheddar in the morning.

As for the news about the canvi....I have known for awhile now and while it makes me sad, I am so happy for my friends. This will be a time for them to challenge themselves, to find out who they are, who they can be, and what it means to live life as inspirational and positive. I found out about this in New York and maybe being there and seeing Joseph in that environment and seeing how truly right it all seems, made it easier for me. And after long talks with J and Brad, I know that this will not be the end forever. But still, I listen to my cds and smile at all the times we've shared.

I also talked to JG the other night and it was so great just to hear his voice. He makes me feel good about the person I am, and it's always nice to have a friend like that, when you're all alone on the road, sitting in a hotel room...it's such a connection back to a time in my life. I didn't feel so lonely after we hung up the phone.

So that's it for now. Going back to work, after a visit to my mom's. She has started new treatments and this time the doctors are very positive about recovery. And I get to see my niece who is so fat that she looks like a butterball turkey with blue eyes.

Much love to all who still read.
Les

updates and such

Man. What a crazy fucking month I have had. In addition to the normal craziness of me and my life, add in a trip to Colorado, a trip to New York, and a trippy little car wreck that could have left me for dead, but only left me with bruises and appreciation for this life I once tried to throw away.

Colorado began like all things do, with a phone call and a I miss you. So I hopped a greyhound (like I swore I would never do again), slept for 10 hours and woke up in the mountains. Glorious beautiful mountains and glorious beautiful Aimee' there to greet me. A cup of coffee, a hike through the mountains, a bbq and much needed time with my best friend. We partied for days and then took a plane, NYC bound. Wandered the streets, danced with the freaks, sang a pretty song, and bought some pretty shoes. Time of my life, I wish we could have stayed longer.

There's too much to write, too much to think about.

Just know, I'm happy to be alive. I miss my friends. I miss you.

where do you go

where do you go
where do you go at the end of the day
I have been all around
and I used to only sing sad songs for you
now I pass the joy around...

I am reveling in new happiness that is found on the road, away from ghosts that have haunted me for far too long. I find strength everyday in myself, in a book, in a too hot cup of java. I piece myself together like a quilt of charachter, some things I would rather throw away. But it makes me who I am, all the things I have done, places I have tread, boys I have loved, and friends I have left. It makes me strong and whole and this is such a newness for me, that I am still careful with the threads that bind me, so they do not break and unravel.

Tabasco Capital of the World

Did you know that tabasco is made at Avery Island? Well, it is. And I'm here. I contemplated taking the tabasco tour, but I went to WalMart instead. Such is the glamorous life.

I found a turtle on my door of the hotel. I named him Carlos, but I didn't feel right about keeping him in such confinement, so I let him take a swim in my bathtub and sent him on his merry little way, smelling like lavendar soap. Goodbye Carlos. I hope you have a beautiful life.

My sister has finally delivered. A beautiful little baby girl named Alexis, Lexi for short. She was 8'4 and 20" long. Healthy and all parts were in place.Only sign of imperfection seems to be her hairy ears. I will introduce her to the oys of waxing at a later date. I am very excited about being an aunt again but I probably will not get to see her until uly or August. (ps - i am not mispelling the month but the key for the 10th letter of the alphabet does not work on this keyboard; for example ump, ack, edi are all words if the first letter is present.)

Anyhow. I got a phone. I'll send out emails later. For now, I am in Louisansa and they have this amaxing place right next door called Daquiris To Go, and yes, I hear it calling my name.

Until next time my dear friends and readers.

On the road

All I really have to say is they make the best coffee in Louisana.

But I will also say, that I am doing well. I miss everyone. I am keeping a real journal. Maybe if I ever get the time, I will transfer thoughts from there to here. But I have a feeling my thoughts lose something tangible after a few days. I forget what I was talking about.

Went to a festival yesterday in Alexandria. The music was lacking and it made me miss Austin. But I did find the greateast Nag Champa Oil this side of the River.

On to Chalmet, LA today....Hoping to have a day in N'awlins at some point. I would call Linz but I don't have her number.

It's cloudy and thunderstorms are starting to lineup on the horizon. It's a beautiful day.

Lonely is just a word

My biggest fear used to be dying alone an old woman with 50 cats in a broken down little shack, where all the neighborhood kids think I'm a old evil witch and dare each other to knock on my door come Halloween.

I am starting to believe that it was not my biggest fear but a vision of the future.

I am, what you might call, destined to be single. I can not imagine ever sharing my life, my intimacies, my struggles, my habits, my nosepicking or buttscratching, with any other individual on the planet. There has not been a man in my life in over a year, and I am currently spending more time with my vibrator than the television. There have been no heart palpitations, no signs of a crush, no butterflies in belly. I don't even think I would know what to do if I did meet someone. But I won't. Because I am closed-minded when it comes to love or dating or sex. I don't want a real person, I want an illusion, a chase, a spectacle. I want the passion of pursuit. And yes, I think I even covet the letdown, for then I have something meaningful to write.

It's hard to be meaningful when your biggest sourse of sex comes from a purple piece of plastic.

Amanda once wrote me a poem. It was truly beautiful but heartbreakingly sad, that said I would always be alone because no man could ever love me enough to get to know the real me. That I was always going to be alone. Always.

I think she knew even then.

The dead and the fools

Terri Schiavo is dead
The pope is about to be dead
Mitch Hedburg is dead
Johnny Cochran, oh yeah, he's dead too

and the simple fact is I don't care.

It does not effect me. And I hate this attitude when presented by other people. That if it doesn't effect you, than it doesn't matter. It's such a republican thing to say. But meh, that's the way I feel right now.

Now if Dolly Parton died, I would cry.

In other news, April Fools is one of the stupidest days of the year. Right next to Valentines and Arbor Day in my book.

And in other other news, my little sister just gave me a shit pile of clothing that she no longer wears. And since I consider her to be skinny and the clothes all fit me, by my standards, that means I am skinny too. And that makes me happy. What makes me happier is she spends lots of money on her clothes, so that means I have style as well as thrift store finds. Yay for hand me ups!